It is difficult to be the Christian parent of a type 1 diabetic. You honestly trust God, but it is so hard to see your child suffer. God gave us the instinct to protect. And then we realize we really can't. I love the Lord, and I have given Him my fears and anxieties over Andrew a million times. Yet, when diabetes turns ugly, it still takes my emotions days to recover. I pray, remind myself of the Gospel, and tell myself the truth, but it still hurts. And I can't make it stop. I've decided it's okay. I allow myself to grieve, again, but concentrate on the truth and what's important until my emotions recover. Praying for wisdom, analyzing numbers, and making changes help too. This all sounds easy until your heart flies into a tailspin again....
Andrew had a really bad low at school a little over a week ago. He was so disoriented that he got up and walked out of class without speaking to anyone. Yes, he had sugar on him, but didn't know to take it. Yes, the teacher would have sent a buddy with him if he had said anything. Her room is at the end of the hall, and instead of heading toward the nurse, he went the wrong direction, and headed...straight outside!!! He has no memory of this. He turned around and fiddled with the locked door handle and a teacher let him in. His teacher escorted him to the nurse, who gave him juice and cared for him. And he was okay. He was supported by teachers, his nurse, and friends who laughed with him, but didn't make him feel bad. He was fine.
I was NOT!!! My first reaction was anger. How could this have happened? How did he end up locked outside??? The truth is I love and trust the people involved in the story, and they were there for him. Was it messy? Yes. But everyone did everything they could to help him. We are six and a half years in, and I've learned that when my first reaction is anger, it is often because anger is more comfortable than fear. If I can find someone to blame, I can convince myself that this will never happen again. I can pretend that I can keep him safe. Anger melted away relatively quickly, but fear stayed. He is getting older, and I will not always be there with him. It will continue to get harder to protect him. Driving? College? And then I remember he's only thirteen. I know not to borrow trouble and to pray because God will always be with him. Trust is a process. I trust God with Andrew. And I still get scared. I know God has numbered his days and will be with him every day in this life and the next. I also know that the number of Andrew's days is not a reflection of God's goodness. I know that I don't want fear of diabetes to be a stumbling block that keeps Andrew from doing anything that he feels called to do. Diabetes deserves our constant respect and attention. I also don't want it to define him... or me. But it is such a battle to get my emotions to line up with what my mind knows. I spent a lot of time in prayer those next few days, and this song, " King Of My Heart" by Love & The Outcome, came on the radio and really ministered to me and expressed the desires of my heart. Here is a link to the You Tube video and the lyrics (parentheses mine):
Love & The Outcome's King of My Heart Official Video
Lyrics:
I'm in a war every minute
I know for sure I'll never win it
(I've given up on perfection with diabetes. There will always be those unexplained highs, lows, sick days, site failures....)
I am David up against Goliath
And it's a fight for my attention
(Yes!!! Diabetes is so time consuming. It requires attention, but with 5 kids there are lots of other important things too!)
I'm being pulled every direction
This world tells me trust what I can see
Lord, won't You help me believe what I believe
(God, I trust You! Please help me trust You!)
You are bigger than any battle I'm facing
You are better than anything I've been chasing
Savior and royalty, the only hope in me
Jesus, You are, You are
The King of my heart, heart
The King of my heart, heart
All by myself I fall to pieces
But You are strong when I am weakest
I feel Your kingdom come alive in me
My feet are bruised but they'll follow where You lead
(Yes!)
You are bigger than any battle I'm facing
You are better than anything I've been chasing
Savior and royalty, the only hope in me
Jesus, You are, You are
The King of my heart, heart
The King of my heart, heart
Your love is deeper than the ocean
You wash away my brokenness
Your arms are always open
Come and rule in me
Come and be my king
You are bigger than any battle I'm facing
You are better than anything I've been chasing
Savior and royalty, the only hope in me
Jesus, You are, You are
The King of my heart, heart
The King of my heart, heart
You're the King of my heart, heart
The King of my heart, heart
You're the King of my heart, heart
This was and is my prayer. I feel better now. I'm still praying for Andrew. That never stops. God is the focus of our devotion, and diabetes is back to the back burner. Not ignored, just not front and center. We decided the probable cause of the low was that his weight lifting class had shifted to playing soccer and his insulin needs dropped considerably. We created new basals, and Andrew is doing great again. I thank God for His wisdom and patience with me! He really is bigger than anything I'm facing and deserving of being the King of my heart!
